8. Kristoff [part three]

The rest of the day was uneventful. I lazed around the upstairs bedroom, flipping on the TV, booting up a random notebook I found.

My mind kept going back to the conversation I had with Kraven. I thought of the lie — the one we both identified — and told myself to stop thinking about it. I needed to stop thinking about him. I had to stop calling him a girl — ‘cause in my head, he was a girl. He was Glenn’s girlfriend — and I hated myself the moment I realized I actually wanted Kraven.

I wanted to know everything about him — his favorite band, his favorite ice cream flavor, his favorite color, his past–

I also realized I couldn’t have him. He was obviously Glenn’s boyfriend. He was a boy — he was a boy. I didn’t like boys except platonically — but there was something about Kraven that turned straight guys the other way. I couldn’t place a finger on what it was — but I needed to see Kraven. I needed to walk downstairs and find him.

It was right around midnight when I finally convinced myself to go down. I needed to enjoy myself, find a random girl if I really wanted Kraven out of my head.

A group of Deathrock chicks stood by a wall, making plans — just in case they got lost or needed help. I watched the group until it dissolved. I went up to a girl wearing a leopard-print skirt that left nothing to the imagination; she looked easy enough.

“Do you want to dance?”

“Are you Glenn’s brother?”

“No,” I lied, because otherwise when we had sex later, she would be thinking of him. “Dance? Drink?”

“Let’s dance!”

We were on the floor for three songs before her legs gave out and she fell into my arms. I carried her out of the crowd and onto a couch, where we sat for a few minutes, questioning each other — trying to make sure the other wasn’t dangerous.

I asked her if she wanted to go upstairs and she looked at me stupidly, wondering, “Are you sure you’re not related? You look just like him. You can tell me. I won’t tell anyone else–”

I offered to buy her a drink — and she said yes — but I ditched her instead.

I really couldn’t stop thinking of Kraven — especially when he stood ten feet from me. I could tell he was staring — and as always, I returned that stare. He wiggled his fingers at me, a greeting from afar. I gave him a tight wave — and he pushed himself off the wall. He walked toward me.

“Was she your type?” he asked.

“Why does it matter?”

“I saw the whole thing from over there. You didn’t look really into it.”

“That’s because I wasn’t.”

“She looked easy.”

“She was. She was too easy. She kept talking about Glenn so I left her.”

Kraven smiled, laughing a bit. “Poor Kristoff. All the people he goes after can’t keep their eyes off Glenn.”

I looked at him expectantly, wondering if he was going to add more — but he didn’t. He only stared, biting his lip.

I had to say it. “Do you — want to go upstairs?” I just had to suggest it. I wanted to know what he would say. I needed this.

“Sure.”

Up the staircase and into a narrow hallway we went. I closed the door behind him and he sat down on the couch, nervously playing with the hem of his skirt — ironically enough, it was leopard-print.

Kraven bit his lip, glancing at me from the corner of his eye. How did I know this when his hair covered his face? I don’t know. It felt right.

“So what now?” he asked, leaning back on the couch, slouching.

“I don’t know. Do you want something to drink–? Oh shit. I don’t have anything up here so never mind–”

He laughed, a smile lingering on his face. He looked — amused.

“You should have tried that line downstairs.”

“I realize that now — but thanks anyway.”

He patted the spot beside him and said, “Just sit down. We’ll think of something.”

So I sat down next to him, and an uncomfortable silence dropped between us. He toyed with stray frays and I pinched my skin for being so stupid. The guy I was interested in was sitting right next to me — but I wasn’t doing anything. I couldn’t even talk–

Kraven turned to me — and I turned to him. We did more of that staring thing we were so used to. He frowned and I just needed to see his eyes — so I moved his fringe away and he winced.

Red eyes stared back at me — cold eyes I really didn’t expect to see. His frown grew impassive and his fingers rose to touch my face. We were touching each other’s face. I didn’t want to let go of his hair — but I did it anyway. My hands slid down his face, down his neck, and dropped limp on his lap. Our lips met.

His hands clutched my shirt as his mouth forced mine open. I removed his hand — responding to his kiss — and pushed him back onto the couch, holding his arms above his head. He smiled into our kiss, placing one of his legs over my body, behind my body, on my back.

We moved against each other and it actually felt nice — much better than in my dream.

“I thought you didn’t like guys,” he teased, biting my bottom lip and sucking on it gently. I pulled away and kissed him forcefully, shoving my tongue inside.

God — his tongue stud turned me on.

“You’re not a guy.”

He laughed, moving his head to the side, letting my mouth kiss and suck the white strip of flesh available to me.

“You keep telling yourself that.”

One of his hands escaped from my hold and stroked my skin, lifting my shirt and digging under the waistband of my jeans. I stopped kissing him when his fingers touched the light hairs under my belly.

As if he read my mind, Kraven softly voiced, “We don’t have to, you know.” I stared into his red eyes and kissed his mouth.

I let my actions speak my thoughts. I wanted to see where this would end. I wondered whether he would go all the way — or if he was just teasing me. It was hard to tell with the firm hold he had on my dick. I bit his tongue and he whimpered.

He was panting when we parted. The small noises he made went straight to my dick.

“Is this going to be your first time?”

“Fucking a guy? Yeah.”

“Do you have any condoms?”

“Do we need any?”

He shook his head, his hand slacking on the job. “Kristoff, sit up.” I sat up and his disheveled hair turned me on. His entire body — flushed pink — turned me on.

Kraven kneeled in front of me and undid the button and zipper on my pants. I helped him remove them. He smiled at the little lions printed on my boxers, taking them off and staring at my hard dick. He lifted it, delving his nose deep into the bush of hair and breathing in deeply before taking my balls into his mouth.

He moaned softly. I just watched him in amazement, already feeling myself heat up. Oh God — it was sexy. He was sexy.

I pushed his head further in, groaning when he bit the sagging skin. He stopped playing with my balls and licked my dick, pausing at the tip — he took it in. I couldn’t help jumping and fucking his face — I don’t think any of the girls I dated would have let me do this with them.

He sucked on it until I came inside his mouth. He took me out when it wasn’t quite finished — so some splattered on his face. He pulled me forward for a kiss, our tongues attacking each other. I joined him on the floor, tackling him into the carpet, deepening our kiss because it was possible.

He helped me take off all the ridiculous layers of clothing he wore — skirt, tights, binder, and finally a small pair of panties hardly covering anything. I couldn’t believe I was actually going to go all the way with a guy.

And what made it worse was that the guy I was going to fuck was my brother’s guy. It made things ten times worse.

Kraven lifted his legs for me, his eyes pleading, his eyes telling me that yes — this was going to fuck things over for everyone. But really, lust wins over everything, right? When we’re this close to it all, it’s hard to back out.

I slid in and he clutched the carpet in his palms. He moaned lowly, pushing me further in.

“Is it supposed to go in like that?” I asked, amazed at how easy it was — just like a girl.

“Yes. Now move.”

I moved, pushing myself all the way in — and out. In and out. We did this until he came onto my shirt and I came inside of him. I hesitated in pulling out completely. I didn’t know whether he wanted me inside or not.

He laughed, panting heavily and moving hair away from his sweaty face.

“You were good for your first time,” he said, offering me a delicate smile. “I’m impressed.”

“It really isn’t so different from doing a girl.”

I tried pulling out but he said, “Stay. I like it. You feel good.”

I flipped us around so l laid on my back; he sat on top of me.

“Is it okay if I fuck you?”

“Do you want to fuck me?”

“Yeah.”

Then he started fucking me — moving himself up and down, my hardening dick the only thing keeping us together. I helped him out by thrusting up into him when he looked too tired to move. I came again.

Kraven plopped down beside me, sliding my dick out of him — and laughed again. He turned to me and asked, “Do you like me, Kristoff?”

“You’re an amazing person, Kraven. Yes, I like you.”

“Not just because you liked fucking me?”

“No, not just because of that. You were a nice fuck — but that’s not it.”

I pulled a cigarette from my discarded pants and lit up. I offered him a drag, and this time he took it. We smoked there on the floor, our shirts the only things covering our otherwise naked bodies, regaining our stolen breaths, thinking about how fucked up things are.

“And you don’t, do you?” I asked out of nowhere.

“I don’t what?”

“You don’t like me.”

Kraven and I stayed silent for a minute or two, letting my question settle and linger.

“I like you, Kristoff — and you’re a great fuck — but there’s not much we can do about it. Don’t beat yourself up, though; you’ll find someone else.”

This time I laughed. He stared at me as though I was insane — but I couldn’t blame him. I can’t blame him.

That was the only time we had sex — and I don’t think Glenn ever found out about it. Unless he reads this, he probably won’t ever know. But if you are reading this, Glenn — I want you to know that I’m sorry, baby brother. I didn’t mean to fall for him. Remember our conversations over the phone? I always told you I hated him. I didn’t like him — and in a way, it’s true. I hate Kraven.

I hate Kraven because now I’m obsessed — and some of you know how obsessions go.

Some say it’s actually my fault — and that’s also true.

What happened with Kraven and Glenn after I left Hamburg a few days later — I don’t know what the fuck happened. I’m just wallowing in my own stink.